Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
