there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
