tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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