There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
