So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
