he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
