So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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