as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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