and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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