I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
