My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
