my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
