covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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