Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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