I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
