i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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