We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
