Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
