So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
