I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
