What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
