what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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