I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
