I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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