battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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