the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
