she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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