Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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