He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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