he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize