no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
As shirtless as possible
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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