I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
