I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
