I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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