I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
