it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
