Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
