ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
