I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
this is an emotional support booty call
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
