Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
