operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i dont even know how to be here
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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