you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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