My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
