Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
