I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
