I'm so fucking centered right now
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
