The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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