no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
