Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
