Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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