i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
