So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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