some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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