i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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