You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
