***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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