just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
