I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
