Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize