I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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