all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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