I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize