Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
