don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
